Read part 1 here:
on theology, calvinism, and my search for God (Part 1, What's the point?)
In a book that I recently read, and loved, Austn Fischer decribed the intricacies of his theological journey. At one point he talked about what he calls the "more itch". It's the craving for a deeper faith. The need to discover more and to being learning and growing. The powerful desire to dig below the surface of Christianity. For many of us, and for Fischer, it is the cause of our start down the winding road of big words and complicated theology. It causes us to start asking the hard questions and really seeking the answers. It is the realization that there is always more to discover and more to wrestle with. Or so it was for me.
Growing up in the church left me with an attitude that many church kids like me will relate to. I had heard all the stories, listened to the sermons, and collected all the right answers. I was fluent in christianese, I knew how to behave in a church setting, and yes, I would vote Republican when I grew up, because we all know Jesus is a Republican. But at some point I started to come to the realization that faith is not simple. Life is hard, God is complicated, and I had questions. I was starting to get the "more itch".
I remember a particular friend of mine in jr high that told me once that he was an atheist. He told me he believed we evolved and that science had proved it. This wasn't a new concept to me, after all I had been in public school for the majority of my life. Still, it was the first time I had considered how to respond. How do I argue with science? How could I possibly convince my friend he was wrong when all the evidence seemed to be on his side? For that matter, why would I stand behind my beliefs if I couldn't even defend them? And so I studied. I read books, I listened to sermons, I watched debates and I collected facts. Slowly but surely I began to build up a foundation of facts on which to construct my defense and my arguments. Like a blacksmith crafting a sword, I was carefully crafting the weapons I would use to tear apart those who dissagreed with me. Needless to say, my attitude about the situation needed some serous work, but it was nonetheless a big step into what I now know is called apologetics.
The word "apologetics" comes from the Greek word "apologia" which means "to give a defense". It implies a defense supported by specific reasons, thought and rationality. I became dedicated to exactly that. I suddenly had come up with well thought out, rational arguments in favor of my faith. I took on 1 Peter 3:15 as my life motto and started every day ready to go into battle to defend my God. But in all my studies I never addressed the last part of that verse.
1 Peter 3:15 NIV
"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"
Gentleness and respect. Ouch. I never was particularly great at either of those. I was argumentative, stuborn, and my motives had much less to do with advancing the gospel and much more to do with my own pride. In my furious attempts to defend God and win arguments, I was missing out on the reality of who that very God is. Apologetics helped me scratch the itch, but in the end I felt as if I had accomplished nothing. Something was missing. Something much more real and much more satisfying. And thank God I found it.
Read part 3 here:
on theology, calvinism and my search for God (part 3, The L-Word)
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